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[personal profile] shibarikitten

I should just give up, for the night anyway. I've been trying to write these e-mails to Ryan, Anne, and Vivian for the last hour and haven't made any progress... unless you count my new high score for mah jong.

Why can't I just say, "Hey guys! I'm really insecure and am hoping you could help us out and make Mike happy by arranging for him to have another sub!" Wow. I can't believe I'm even considering saying these things, let alone asking for them. But if it would help, I'd let him do anything. Or let Ryan do anything, if he has any interest in those kinds of acts. God, I really have failed him, haven't I?

I keep wondering that if Mike had Anne instead of having me, he'd be so much better by now. She's prettier, smarter, funnier, so many things more than I am. I love her too, like a sister, but maybe if I really love Mike, I need to encourage the two of them? Or maybe someone else more local? And kinky? Why isn't the answer ever clear about any of this?

Time for bed... and time for Mike's medication. I hope he's not sick of me.

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Elise Masterson Anders

November 2008

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