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[personal profile] shibarikitten

I have no idea what we'd do without Mark or Lu. They've both been so much help lately that I've actually had a chance to start catching up on sleep, and I don't feel nearly as stressed as I did when we first got here. Mike's still doing very well with therapy, and I hope he can make a full, complete recovery. In every way. In that one way that shouldn't matter but I can't help thinking about every night. Superbowl night had been so hot though, possibly because it was pushing my boundaries, but it's made me think about loving him and submitting to him like I used to. It'll happen again, won't it?

Wow, I sound so selfish! I love him no matter what, I love him so much. Okay, I'm scared... gah, I can't believe I just wrote that. Maybe I should erase it, delete this entire entry? It does count if he uses toys on me right? Or in me or whatever? I want him so badly but that part of him doesn't quite work yet, and it's not something I just want to flat out ask... of either him or one of his doctors. God, it would sound awful, wouldn't it? And then I'd be that woman, and get some sort of polite lecture about buying a "personal massager" by the nurse.

In some ways I'm glad we're not in Chicago, not at the Tower, and not able to watch other couples on a whim. Because what would happen if we could? Even if it were watching Ryan and Anne, when they're at their most vanilla, and wanting that to be us... would Mike think I'd want Ryan to do those things to me? Would I want it?

I... should probably stop writing this entry now, and go take a cold shower. Yes, it's a plan.
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Elise Masterson Anders

November 2008

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